Post 131.

Lets see, lets continue where I left off last night.
Edit: 3 nights ago cause I got side tracked..

It was this year that she made her mind up that I would only be a brother to her and that is all I will ever be. It hit me pretty hard cause yeah, after so long, she ultimately decides which category I belong in. So yeah, I accepted it, I had been friend-zoned  first time in my life. I soon forgot about it cause I guess I didn't want to see it like that.

After a couple of days I was convinced that I had gotten over her and thought I did until I saw her display picture on whatsapp and my heart went full retard. I guess I hadn't gotten over her lol. I promised myself that I would never tell her no matter what. Nek minit, got drunk blurted it all out. Fml.

More parties happened and still no change, still am a close friend and nothing to it. Nights would come by and we would talk about me and how I should move on etc. I am a stubborn guy and so I didn't listen cause I knew what I wanted. Now lets see why I was so attracted to her, was it the smile? I could never really pin point anything down when she asked, I would always give her stupid answers, legit stupid. -_-' Any who it wasn't just a simple thing I liked about her, it was many small things when added up made who she was. Thus why when I said, I like you because you are you, I felt I was right. No one can be the same as everyone else, she is her own type of woman.

Some friends would tell me to move on and ask me questions like why her. I would sometimes listen and sometimes I would let it go out the other ear. Some others would tell me to go and keep chasing. I was torn between the two. When it comes to other peoples problems, I can solve them no problem, when it comes to mine, I suck ass. That was pretty much the way things went for me.

Plans were made and yet even as they were, I would soon learn that they would never happen. I would always be excited for the plans cause, you know, who wouldn't be excited if you were going to do something with a person you liked. Well as time went by the day never came, it would always keep passing by not waiting for any man. Soon I would learn a lesson that I shouldn't expect much because it sucks when your expectations are high then are shattered soon later. I never held anything against her though, perhaps one day it might happen, who knows.

At times I would fuck up and make her mad at me. We wouldn't talk for a couple days cause she would reply with really, really shitty replies like,

Me: hi hi
HER: hey
ME: how was your day?
HER: it was ok, hby?
ME: blah blah blah
HER: thats nice

NIGGA WTF IS THAT. Most of the time it would more of a, im over it. Then the convos would start off shit again for a couple days til things were what you would call normal again. All this time I swear, she has only ever started a convo 4-5 times. How depressing, can you believe that future me? 4-5 times in a year and a half. Shit is cray. How did I not get sick of it? Bro, I got so sick of it to the point where I don't even give a fuck anymore LOL

OH YEAH, on occasion I would forget about her birthday LOL and when that happened she would call me a retard and remind me of the time I had an idea of getting her a giant Stitch for her 18th birthday. Now, I wont forget, its on the damn 6th of August. I vaguely remembered why I got it for her, it wasn't cause I liked her but rather, one time she told me she never got anything for her birthday's and I knew full well what the feels like. So there I was with Vinh and Leon and we got her the present. Wasn't as big as I hoped but it was the biggest one I could find. Later on that day, she said thanks and that it was my idea. How did she know? I have no idea / cant remember but I felt good. That was a good day. Probably not as good as this one.

It was new years, there was a party at Jacks and everyone was drinking and what not, having a good time. I was enjoying my night too :D Beer and pizza, it was a good night. It neared 11 ish and everyone had a bright idea to go city to club and watch the fireworks but I passed on that. Instead I went to her house to chill, Vinh was there too but he put his earphones in and listened to music cause he wanted to give me space with her. I don't remember what we talked about but I somehow ended up laying on the ground looking up towards the stars. As it hit 12 she / I called it quits, it was getting late and well it was cold, didn't want her to stay outside in case she caught a cold. I went to say bye and I knew what I wanted, a hug but I fucked up, said Happy New Years and patted her head instead. Zzzz if only I could turn back time, the walk back was crazy, ended up sleeping at Vinh's house but this story is for another time. It was worth the walk imo :) I don't get to hang out with her often and if I do it would always be cut short cause of some interruption.

There was also this one time after a party (Randy's) she said, after thinking super hard she didn't mind where I put her. In my head I was like, holy fucken shit son, you've done it, this is it, ask her outtttttt. So I replied with, are you sure? on whatsapp?
HER: (something along the lines of) yeah... where else? (memory being shit again.)
ME: wait... what does this all mean?
HER: I don't care where you put me on your friends list/scale.
ME: OH RIGHT YEAH UHHH, WHATS ON THE SCALE

I eventually played it off cool, holy shit, I am so stooopid. Back to the drawing board and most importantly, back to being a friend. :'(

Without me realising what had happened, I fell in love with a girl who only thought of me as a friend. Even as one sided as it was, I didn't mind, shit was always one sided when it came down to me and love. To be honest I will probably keep caring for her no matter what as I always have been even if she didn't know it herself. There are more stories but perhaps for another time. I will probably look back one day and be like I AM SO RETARDEDDDDDD but know this future me, I really care for her. So without further ado, it is, (you may have guessed it already) My-vy Ngo.

So after many many more months I am here writing this out for god knows what reason. Perhaps I wanted to remember something that was so dear to me. Perhaps I am a weirdo. This is my story and I'm going to write what I feel like.


Perhaps after reading this some of you might be wondering why don't I keep chasing, well to be honest I do but my friends know to look out for me and I trust their judgement. Its ok though, there still some time before the deadline and ill go HAM (hard as a motherfucker) til the end. I'll make sure to try my hardest so I don't have any regrets aye.

Lets go for a crazy ride. You ready?